Active and strong-willed children
"Help! We have a very active 15 month old son who is a sweet boy, but very strong willed. Since he is our first child we aren't real sure what steps to take to direct his boundless energy but not break his spirit. Any words of wisdom or helpful hints would be much appreciated!"
"Our son is about the same age and was more strong-willed at 15 months than he is now at 18 months. We went through a couple of trying months, and I'm sure we will again. What seemed to work for us was a combination of two approaches. First of all, we established routines for almost everything. There's a routine for bed, for waking up, for all meals, naptimes, playing, even taking a walk. Secondly, we definitely wouldn't allow him to do anything that hurt himself or others; other things were negotiable when possible. We also are determined to enjoy him for who he is, high spirits and all."
"I also have a strong willed, high spirited 14 month old son. He keeps me busy all day long! I let him go and be himself, as long as he is not hurting anyone else or himself. I let him be. They are learning and growing so much at this age. I believe we shouldn't try and take that away from them. Let them be themselves."
"Avoid conflict before it occurs. One way to do this is by `toddler proofing' your house. Put up or away anything you don't want him to have. Use child locks or barriers of some kind. Toddlers need to have free-reign in a safe environment to build good self-esteem. Another way to avoid conflict is always warn him before hand of what's going to occur. Use language he can understand. (`We're going bye-bye soon' or `in 5 minutes' or `When you're done with that puzzle I need to change your diaper' or whatever marker he can understand.") Toddlers like a predictable routine, such as bedtime, and any disruption needs a warning."
"Very few rules, clearly stated and enforced as much as possible. Lots of loosely structured activities (at home, playgroups, early childhood classes - Community Ed and MacPhail center offer some real early opportunities. We tried to shape the home environment to limit our nay-saying. It saves on the nerves. (The wall artist gets a huge chalkboard on her door, all lower shelves of bookcases become top shelves, etc.) With our boy, a warning shortly before a change
of scene was a help, especially if there was a carrot attached to the warning (`finish with the sand and then we'll go in and play in the sink with your new boat.'). Also, acknowledging their feelings before going on with your own agenda, `You are really mad about going in - it's hard to stop playing isn't it. Do you like your sandbox?'. That sort of acknowledgement frequently turned a near tantrum into a conversation for us."
"When I read this question I really felt a connection with these parents. My child at 16 months was the same. She would not allow us to `help' her in any constructed manner. Discipline was even worse to deal with. And of course these type of children are extremely sensitive, even though they are so full of energy. I found 2 books helpful, `Dare to Discipline' and `The Strong Willed Child', both by Dr. James Dobson. You can pick them up at Northwestern book store. It seemed every time we tried to get our daughter to nap or play by herself, she would gain more `power' to frustrate me. We started to take her on walks outside and to play in parks to tire her out. This worked for awhile, then another mother suggested trying crayons with supervision, painting with her fingers on paper and in the tub. The more we spent time encouraging her creativity, the more she proved to us she could sit down and play without tearing the house apart. We also bought tapes to sing along with in the car to keep her in her car seat. Granted we had our times when nothing would help, but giving her constructed play time did take the edge out of trying to `control' her. Now that she is three years old and has a new 1 month old brother, she tries to get him to color and sings to him during his fussy times."
"Humor! We found if our children (now 4 1/2 & 2) wanted to be chased, we'd get down on all fours and chase them into the other room. (Or just growl and run real slow.) When you catch them, it's much easier to get their clothes on, etc., because they are having too much fun to fight. Give him positive reinforcement and compliments when he cooperates with you. Also, tell him what to do - `feet on the floor please', instead of what not to do - `don't climb'. Children need to learn what is ok. It took me a while to learn this but it really does help and after a while becomes second nature."
"When play time is limited or you need to set time frames for play and rest, set a timer and tell him in 10 minutes we will sit and read a book and the timer will sound when it's time for a story. Then there is no fight as to play longer or having to interrupt him and upset him. Kids need to get rid of energy and need rest also but they also need to control their energy themselves. Set schedules for both and stick to them religiously as much as possible."
"Provide a home environment that is as free as possible from your having to restrict his exploration and expression. For example, put away that delicate lamp for a year or two it it's always the source of reprimands and caution. Catch him doing something right - and praise him for it."
"We also have an active and strong willed 15 month old. Of course you have already thoroughly baby-proofed your house and removed temptations to minimize the amount of `no's' needed, but these active babies can always find trouble! So I try to rush in with an alternative (like an old magazine) to distract her. It's important to be casual enough about it so that the willful child thinks she is making the choice to redirect her energy. Whenever possible, let yhim choose himself and direct his own play. And keep a stash of emergency goodies to distract him with when he makes a bad choice! (Examples: an egg beater, catalogue, bottle, baby magazines, etc.)"
"For your peace of mind as well as your child's, you have to be in control. He has to know that you will keep him safe and other people safe around him, that he can't do anything and everything he wants whenever he wants."
"At times, I feel like being negative with our toddler about all the things he wants to get into, but redirecting his energy is the best for his self-esteem, so I give him a small spray bottle filled with water and `no tears' baby soap and a sponge and watch him go! He cleans and cleans - the refrigerator, the dishwasher door, the walls, the floor.... and I praise all his hard work and help and he is so proud of himself!"
"Put your foot down, gently but firmly, on any behavior that you find unacceptable. When he knows where he stands with you, he will behave as you want him to behave. If he doesn't, stick to your guns. He wants directions and boundaries from you, so that he can work on his independence with confidence. We expect our two year old to behave at home as well as in public places. we don't have different sets of rules because that can be confusing. Because of this she can go to a restaurant, attend a church service and visit a friends house without a problem. We also don't planactivities close to her nap or night time sleep. If she does act up we take her out of the environment as soon as possible, always making sure we recognize her feelings.
Be confident in your job as parents, and if you need to, talk to other parents. Don't forget ECFE programs. I really enjoy the program where we live.
In regards to the `boundless energy' you mentioned, we bought our daughter a trampoline from Early Learning Center. She uses it many times a day and it sure helps in giving her exercise, confidence and an outlet for her energy."
"Having had 2 similar boys, I say it can be done! Be positive - he needs to know his needs and wants are respected. It worked much better to discipline or say `no' to his ideas by saying `Yes, we can go to the park, but not now, after naptime', rather than saying `No, we can't go'. Try not to criticize his behavior (he will take it as rejection of himself) - say, `the couch is not to jump on' rather than `don't jump on the couch'. It takes imagination to keep ahead of him, but the more activities you can suggest the better - playing ball games, play with clay, hide and seek or tag, drawing, musical instruments, etc. Show your pride in his achievements, to him and others, and he will try to continue his good behavior and gain a good self-image."
"Be firm with your limit setting, but give him choices to make, i.e. - `We don't climb on the coffee table, would you like to play with this toy or this toy?'. Then sit down and play with your child, which is the best way to improve self-esteem. Also give him a place to just release energy, the park or mall, by letting him run, and climb and jump."
"I highly recommend the book called `The Strong Willed Child' by Dr. James Dobson. It can be purchased from Focus on the Family, Pomona, CA 91799, or bought at a Christian book store."
"It always seems confusing and overwhelming at first, when the child really starts to be able to get around. Parents are forever questioning if they are doing things right. That's because there is no absolute right or wrong. We are going to make mistakes as parents, but generally it's best to follow your instincts. If you and your child have a lot of energy - great. If you get tired but your child doesn't, you have to think of your sanity, too. Just remember that anything in moderation can't hurt. But finding that balance is the challenge of parenting and of life."
"Our 2 1/2 year old is very active also! My husband and I needed to sit down and determine for ourselves which rules were a `must' for our family. We feel a basic value system can be taught without constantly saying `no!'. We have tried to make our home as comfortable as we can for our son - that way he can have free run, our valuables are not ruined and we don't constantly `police' our child."
"I've found, with my almost 2 year old energetic boy, that effective discipline (i.e. - teaching limits and setting up external controls) really has helped over time to rein in some of the destructive impulses while still allowing pretty liberal exploration and mastery. My advice is to pick your battles and decide what's really important to you (e.g. - not hurting people, or breaking things, safety issues, etc.) and being very consistent in setting limits in those areas. Sometimes it's hard to watch an energetic toddler attempt feats of daring, but you know your child and should trust your instincts as far as real danger is concerned. Sometimes it helps to re-direct his energy, rather than fighting a battle of wills. For example, play with him with blocks or throwing balls when he tries to kill the cat."
"Make sure he gets outside every day! There are also indoor parks. Direct some of that energy to reading or coloring together or doing puzzles. Pudding makes an edible finger paint. Teach finger rhymes. Give him pots, pans and a wooden spoon, a small broom, a toy telephone, cups, containers, buckets, and a boy doll, play dough and stuffed animals. He loves to imitate you now so let him help with whatever you do or he shows an interest in. Join a community education parent/child class if you can."
( What advice would you most like to give about experiencing life with a new baby?"
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