Learning to share
"I have a problem with my daughter who is 4 years old and very sweet but is very possessive about her things. She will absolutely not share her toys, playthings, etc., with her friends at day care and at home. I've tried to explain to her the importance of learning to share but it hasn't done any good. I'm not sure how to solve this."
"I don't think a 4 year old should have to share every toy, plaything, etc. The most special things shouldn't have to be shared. But, her other toys and playthings that aren't special can be shared. Just using a lot of encouragement and praise when you do catch her sharing, (even the littlest object) should be emphasized. Just be persistent, she will begin to share."
"Perhaps allow her to have (pick) one toy that she does not have to share. Let her do this so she will have the power of picking which one. Then explain to her that she must share the other toys. My boy Phillip who is 3 has some very special toys that he is very possessive of. When we have other children over I will specifically put those toys out of sight. But then he understands he must share the other toys. I also use the word co-operate. He understands it better because he hears it on Sesame Street."
"At home let her separate out really special toys that she doesn't have to share and put them away when friends come to play. Discuss which toys she will need to share with friends before they come. If the sharing problem at day-care is with her own personal toys do not let her bring them until she agrees to share them. She should leave toys she doesn't want to share at home."
"As a mom and day-care provider, I had the same problem. We solved it by letting our son choose the toys that he wanted to share with friends or day-care children. We reminded him to put away special toys before guests came. `Sally is coming to play with us today; Let's choose toys to share with her', and then also help the child put away the others. If your child is in someone else's care, it's important that she learn to follow their rules such as, `Billy had that first, let's find a toy for you'. You must also be consistent with the rules."
"My understanding of this problem, from the
director of my son's school, is that it is a developmental issue which is related to the age of the child, not a personality problem. Pre-schoolers are rarely good at sharing, especially only children or oldest children. What has worked best for our son is to ask him to take turns, rather than share. Also, in our home, we allow him to decide which toys he will share and which he will keep put away. At home, usually after his friends have been over for a while, he is able to relax and allow them to play with more of his things. It doesn't work for him to bring a toy from home to day care or a friend's house -- he feels especially protective of his toys in that circumstance.
Our sunday school director was very tolerant of my son's lack of interest in sharing. They were willing to make allowances for him because he had just become an older brother. They allowed him to pick out a few toys and take them into a corner and not share them. After a few weeks, this was no longer necessary and his anxiety level was lower. Perhaps the day care you use could also try something like this with your daughter."
"My little boy had that problem too. What I did was to have him pick out his special toys that he absolutely did not want to share with friends or even his sister. Then I told him that the rest of the toys were to be shared with his sister and his friends, but I also reassured him that he could have `turns' with toys too while the other kids were playing. I think it helped for him to know that he had control of some of his possessions and that made him act less defensive and possessive about everything else. Now he'll even share his `special' toys sometimes."
"I was like this when I was four. My mother and I created a `visitors box' of toys to share only with guests. I did not play with my own things when friends came. (I turned out generous and considerate.)"
"What has worked for me in the past is to recognize your daughter's need for her very own toy. Pick one or two toys that are to be just hers to play with, then explain the other toys are for everyone to play with. They are not just her's but everyone's."
"My advice would be that you let your daughter put aside some `special' toys that she doesn't have to share when friends come over. Sharing is very hard to understand, but maybe if she doesn't have to share everything, it will be a little easier for her."
"I feel strongly about this subject because you as a parent need to know what it does to the other children. After spending 2 weeks with children that constantly grabbed toys from my son and didn't know `how to play', he was very hurt and confused. He became withdrawn and always let them have their way. My child who knew `how to play' was being treated unfairly. Children who don't know how to share have to learn what it is like to be on the other side of the fence. It is very hard for a parent to see their child being bullied. I don't like him to play with these types of children because it is such a negative experience for both child and parent."
"It is very difficult for children to share their toys and really shouldn't be expected to do it naturally until they are 5 or 6. What helps with my children is to remind them that the toys do belong to them and when the other children go home those toys will stay here. If they want to put away a few special toys while the visitors are here, that's ok with me."
"First, think about what you share with your friends and neighbors. Try not to expect your daughter to share everything, especially favorite toys. Try having the two of you put toys in a box that she would be willing to share when she has company and then bring that box out, at that time. Or just the opposite when company comes have her put the toys that she doesn't want to share in a box and put away."
"Try setting a time limit - she has to let someone else use the toy in 5 minutes (or whatever) and then can choose a different toy. Or if there's a big argument over a toy around here, that toy gets thrown into the `no-no room' (kids can't get in there for the day. Stick to your guns; have time-outs if you have to".
"Your daughter is 4 and not interested in the importance of sharing. She wants to know that her things won't go away. Let her have one special toy that she knows she won't have to share. Then tell everyone that the toys will stay in this room - where she can see them. Make certain she understands that no one will take them home."
"First, it is perfectly normal for a young child to be possessive of her things. Allow her to set aside, out of sight, her most precious belongings, then explain to her that she ought to be willing to share the rest of her toys. At day care she should also be allowed to keep one special toy all to herself."
"Have potlatch activities with her and a few familiar others; to put in loaned toys and take out a new. First illustrate by example behavior in prior interaction the difference between sharing and giving away."
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