Setting bedtime
"My 10 month old daughter is used to waiting for her dad to come home and play with her before she goes to bed. The problem is that sometimes his job keeps him away until 10:30 p.m. and she screams if I put her to bed before that. Now her dad is out of town and she is staying up until 11:30 and 12:00 o'clock watching the front door until she is so tired she falls asleep in my lap. Do other parents have any ideas for me? She plays with me happily until she realizes her dad hasn't come home yet. Thanks for any ideas you might have to help me put her to bed at a reasonable time!"
"Love her and let her know it's okay to miss her dad. Let her know you miss him also. Maybe plan a little party for his return - crayoned pictures, finger painted pictures (of course with lots of mom's help). A reasonable bedtime may not be possible for awhile but this too shall pass."
"Set a definite bed time and tell her if daddy is not home by that time, he will come into her room to say good night. An extra nap time during the day may help alleviate any fussiness due to being awake once her daddy gets home. Have daddy call her when he is going to be late and reassure her that he'll come to see her when he gets home. If possible, have him call her when he is out of town."
"If at all possible, get your husband to play with your daughter at other times than bedtime. That will help her disassociate daddy's play time with her going to bed time and eventually she'll go to bed no matter which of you has played with her last."
"Have dad tape himself reading a story and play it at bed time. He could also phone at bed time to tell her good night."
"The solution will require cooperation from dad. Since he is unable to be home at a consistent time (and I understand this), he must agree to stay out of the bedtime ritual on days he is home. You and your baby need a reliable, consistent pattern to follow just involving the 2 of you at whatever hour you feel is reasonable. Stick to it and she will adjust. Then during the day perhaps you can find some extra play time for dad and baby alone so that their relationship will continue to flourish as it has."
"If it's possible for her dad to phone and talk to her, I would try that. Psych her up for it - tell her that she will `get to' talk to dad and
make it seem an exciting thing to do. Have dad call at a time you want to put her to bed and have him say good night to her - then put her to bed. Be consistent on the time of the phone call and on her bed time."
"I suggest you choose a suitable bed time (not sleep time), then develop a bed time routine. We start at 8 or 8:30 p.m. We have a light snack, clean up, brush teeth and put on pajamas. Then we go to bed, read a few books, then leave our son to read, listen to tapes or go to sleep. Both my husband and I follow this same routine so no matter who puts him to bed it seems the same. We take turns putting him to bed so he is used to both of us. Once he is in his bedroom, whoever put him there is responsible for any discipline for leaving the room. It is necessary to be firm and follow the routine every night. Any break in the routine generally means the next few nights will be difficult but the routine is easy to get back into as long as we are firm and consistent."
"I would set up a reasonably consistent bedtime. Our kids all go to bed at 7 pm. But my 1st grader has to be up by 6:30 A.M. to get ready for school. They all know the routine. Set up a bedtime routine. Giver her a bottle or nurse her, look at a story together for a bit. Prepare her for bedtime. Once she's in bed, that's it. At first she'll fight and scream. Go in for a few minutes to reassure her and check on her, but don't get her up. She'll settle into the routine soon enough. If you put her to bed early enough perhaps she could play with her dad before he goes to work. She'll get used to that routine too. It just takes consistency and patience."
"When dad's out of town maybe you should shorten nap times and tire her out in the early evening. It may help get her to sleep earlier. Dad should also talk to her about leaving before he goes and a call at her bedtime may be helpful also."
"What time does your daughter sleep till in the morning? Her schedule may be such that she's a night person. At 10 months, going on 11 months, this small person knows she can scream her way out of bed so daddy will have to put her to sleep. Watching what time she naps during the day time will also help her to be tired at a reasonable bed time. Try letting dad have a little time to play before going to work. Children are often happy and alert first thing in the morning. It would be a nice way to begin the day! Our 3 children have gotten into the schedule of sleeping till 8:30 am and are OK till 10:00 pm if they need to be awake (i.e. - visiting friends, etc.). Good luck."
"We are very strict about bedtime and it has always been good for all of us, including the children. They need a reasonable routine at bedtime. You need to start putting her down (before dad gets home) at a regular time each night. Make a new routine that fits your schedule - read a book, have a snack, sing a song - and then it is time to go to sleep. It will be hard at first with a lot of crying, but your daughter and you will benefit from a reasonable bed time. Your husband will have to spend other times of the day with her."
"We had the same problem when our son was 9 months old. My husband works a variety of shifts so I understand. We talked to our pediatrician, then set a routine for bed time and stuck to it. Bath, pajamas, bottle, story and bed. He cried the first few nights but now he knows that after his pajamas are on bed time comes soon afterward. He also goes to bed fairly easy for a babysitter if they know the routine. Remember who the parent is - you set the limits not the baby."
"Try reading instead of playing with her. Have dad make a tape recording of himself reading several books to use when he's gone. Play the tape while you sit with her and turn the pages."
"What time does she wake up in the morning? Can she spend quality time with Dad in the morning? Try waking her up at 6:00 A.M. and spend 15 - 30 minutes playing with daddy before work instead of after work. Also, any child who is up early, is not going to be staying awake until 11 p.m. Get a routine going like - up at 6:30, a couple of naps during the day, in bed by 8 or 8:30 (whether daddy is home or not)."
"I came up with several ideas. If at all possible, have your husband call and talk to your daughter saying good night to her and that he'll see her and play tomorrow or when he gets back in town. Maybe make a video of dad that she could watch. He could explain he was at work and won't be back until after she's in bed. That he'll come in and give her a kiss when he gets home (my husband works 2nd shift and I know my daughter likes it when he tells her that). He needs to tell her he loves her and of course, when he is home he needs to play with her plenty. The hard line approach would be to put her to bed when you feel is a reasonable time and let her scream."
"Developing a routine and sticking with it has really helped me. There have been times though, when her routine was a bit different than what some families choose, but it worked great for us. Our child had a regular late bed time in order for us to have a consistent family time, compensated for with longer afternoon naps. I think consistency is the key. It's difficult for kids to adjust to something different every few days. I think it's really wonderful that you are trying to support their relationship."
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